How to ask a man out on a first date
A lot has changed from when our mothers and grandmothers dated, yet sometimes we find ourselves following the same dating rules that applied to their day. One of these rules is to never ask guys out. Well, that rule is getting broken today and here is some expert advice on what to try and for what to avoid.
- be clear
- get physical
- ask him in person
- be something you’re not
- shift responsibility
- make it about you
- expect him to take the reins
When you ask someone out it may feel like you’re putting yourself way out on a limb. A limb 50 feet from the tree with hot lava underneath it. Yet, it’s not true. When you casually mention wanting to spend time getting to know someone better, that’s all you’re saying. You’re not asking him to marry you, to be the father of your children, etc. Realizing this fact will go far in helping you relax and feel more confident.
For many women “asking a man out” is a skill they don’t think they have, or is just one they’ve never used. Just like any other social muscle, this one requires exercising. If you tell yourself you’re just “practicing” asking guys out, doing so will become a lot more comfortable and casual for you and won’t send you into a tongue-tied panic. If you’re at a party, practicing with multiple men over the course of an evening can be all you need to help you get the kinks out.
Do be clear
Listen, most men are oblivious. They think they can read you and all that, but really they can’t. Heck, you barely know what’s going on inside your head! You certainly can’t expect a guy to read your mind and the “obvious” hints you’re dropping, so stop doing it. The only way to really get through the oblivious is to be obvious. To come right out and say it: “I’ve been meaning to try that restaurant! We should totally go next week!”
Do get physical
But not that kind of physical. I’m talking about the reinforcement kind of physical. The light arm touch as you’re coming up to say hi, the playful hug as you’re leaving. Men are hardwired to respond to touch and if your words aren’t clear enough, your touch will be. So, while you’re asking about that great restaurant / book / hobby he’s been up to lately, touching him will reinforce your statements of, “Oh I’ve been meaning to,” and “we should go there / do that / try that together.”
Do ask him in person
I know that sounds terrifying, but let’s talk about how terrified you will get when you try to call, text, message, him instead. How crazy do you feel when you’ve texted a guy and he hasn’t gotten back to you within a few minutes? Pretty crazy, right? In-person-asking-out can be done so casually and comfortably that he may not even realize you were the one initiating. (You’ll get bonus points with Grandma for that).
Do not panic
What do you appreciate in a guy asking you out? If you had to choose, the guy making it easy and comfortable is going to win every time over the poor sap sweating and fumbling over trying to talk to you. I know it’s easy to say “be confident” and then get into the situation and totally be shaking in your boots. That’s why you don’t have to worry about the first date either. There are some steps in there that will help you relax and help him feel comfortable with you up front.
Do not be something you’re not
The girl next to you is bubbly and super touchy. You’re not like her and that’s ok. We all have to discover and hone our personal socializing style. If you’re shy and pretend to be touchy and bubbly it’s going to come across ingenuine and forced. Super attractive qualities, right? Yep, so go to your corner, mentally, and come by swinging with YOUR social strengths. Being yourself with someone is your long term goal anyway, so start off leading with you and if he responds, you’ll be on the right foot.
Do not shift responsibility
When we feel exposed we naturally want to protect ourselves. It’s really easy to think we’ve spent the evening being obvious with a guy and then turn around and blame him for not asking you out. “Men these days,” and “if he really liked me he’d ask me out,” are really cozy self-protecting statements, but are they getting you any closer to going out with that guy you’re interested in? Nope. Suck it up, Sister, and be clear with what you want, and the results might (happily) surprise you.
Do not make it about you
If you can base the date on a mutual interest, then asking him out will be less about “going out with you” and more about checking out that place, trying that activity, or learning more about that topic. When presented with the option, he’ll be thinking about trying out that new taco place, not about “do I want to go out with her?” It makes things a lot more casual and comfortable. Two words you should like a lot.
Do not expect him to take the reins
Many women think, “I made the first move, he should take it from here.” However, sometimes guys are oblivious to what’s going on. You’re still in charge of your dating life, so if you want to see him again, set up the next date while you’re on the current one. If he still hasn’t gotten the clue after a few of these interactions, feel free to write him off, but approaching the first date with a defensive “he better” attitude isn’t going to be driving either of you towards a loving relationship.
Asking a guy out may make your grandma cringe, but women taking the lead in dating is here to stay. By keeping things casual on your end, your man of choice may not even notice you’re taking the lead.